Tuesday Tally

Put that coffee down (Carlo) and pay attention. Here’s guest blogger Chris Long’s Tuesday Tally from theLGL’s fantasy football league, Necessary Roughness…

Say bye bye to the bye weeks. Four weeks remain in the regular season and the haves are separating themselves from the have-nots. However, the have-nots won’t have the option of blowing a game because they started a guy on his bye week. From now on it’s Ronco time, just set it and forget it.

Mike and Matt hold on to the top spots this week, with Carlo jumping to 4th and into a potential playoff spot for now. The schedule pits the top 6 or 7 teams against each other in the next 4 weeks so things are far from decided after 10 weeks of play. As for those at the bottom, just remember, there’s nothing sweeter than spoiling the playoff hopes of others. So lets set those rosters and make these the best 4 weeks of our lives! I’m guessing that my Mel-Gibson-in-blue-face paint look wasn’t necessary for that rousing speech, but I don’t pass up the opportunity to paint my face and wear a kilt. Or the opportunity to eat a Hot Pocket on the toilet. But that’s a whole other conversation. On to the week that was in fantasy…

Play of the Week – Fred Jackson TD pass

If you haven’t heard the term “Wildcat” you haven’t been watching football this season. The modern version of the Wildcat gained notoriety in the late 90’s when Bill Snyder took the Kansas State Wildcats to the top of the rankings using a version of the “Wing-T” offense of yesteryear. Usually executed using a running back lined up in the shotgun, the idea is to have said running back read the weak side rusher to determine whether or not he hands the ball off or keeps it, continuing in the direction of the then over-pursuing lineman. Now with that explanation you were probably expecting a nice little running play as your Play of the Week, but Fred Jackson told me on Saturday that he was gonna fuck with all of you and that if I told anyone he’d actually fuck me, so I obliged and now the jokes’ on you. Short story long, he takes the snap, he fakes the run, he throws the ball to Lee Evans. Touchdown. Man sex avoided.

Player of the Week – Chris Johnson (44.20 fantasy points) – 132 yards rushing/2 TD’s/9 catches/100 yards – Okay this is getting old. Chris Johnson makes another appearance as Player of the Week, doing so in spectacular fashion once again. You know what’s not in fashion? Fedoras. Wait, they are?

Kutcher: Hey guys, check it out, I’m starting this new trend. It’s called a fedora. I named it that cause it looks like what people in the federal government would wear. I just shortened the name and tight-styled it up a little.
Dude #1: OMG sickness Kutch-dog. Just ordered one on Ebay, but to make sure lets hit Ed Hardy and pick one up on the way to sushi later.
Kutcher: Yeah, bro totz. I gotta get some jeans for Demi anyway. She’s way into rhinestones right now. I know the jeans are like $300 bucks, but rhinestones make her feel cheap and I’m all for that. (Winks and high 5’s dude in black tank top)
Dude #2: Kutch you’re the man. Bruce Willis has nothing on you.
Barista (under his breath): Those hats are old as fuck and you are all douchebags

Oh and Chris Johnson is a beast and is single handedly taking teams to the playoffs this year. Am I bitter about drafting LaDainian Tomlinson ahead of him? You betcha.

Matchup of the Week – The House Guests vs. Mox’s Coyotes – Entering the week needing a win, I was certain that this would be the week that I established myself as a threat for the playoffs. Big days from T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Reggie Wayne changed that in a hurry. A poor performance from Jay Cutler couldn’t keep the Coyotes from notching their 7th win of the season and maintaining 2nd place for the time being. BTW, did you see Jay Cutler on Thursday night? Who knew that Denver was getting the better quarterback in that trade. Well at least you’ll have a whiny, overpaid quarterback for the foreseeable future Chicago. Kyle Orton and his lustrous neckbeard seem to fit in better in Denver anyway.

Top scoring team – Sniz & Fondue (137.50 fantasy points) – Another recurring theme that works out for only one of us. Mike took the top spot again behind Chris Johnson, Randy Moss, and Kurt Warner. He’s avoided slow weeks and has maintained the top position while scoring over 115 points in every week but one. The youngest player in the league, Mike has elicited comparisons to Jon Gruden and Josh McDaniels. The youth movement is on and everyone in the league is now on official notice. Here’s to hoping he’s in the Monday Night booth in a few years and not destroying our fantasy experience on an annual basis.

Surprise Performer – Reggie Bush (23.80 fantasy points) – 83 yards rushing/1 TD/2 catches/15 yards/1 TD – Reuniting with Kim Kardashian has done wonders for Reggie Bush on the field. Making use of the touches he got, Bush almost single handedly kept the Saints in the game against a feisty Rams team. I’ll bet he makes the most of the touches he gets at home if you know what I’m sayin! Oh come on, if Kutcher and his boys were here you know I’d be drowning in high fives and sick chest bumps. You could learn a thing or two from that guy about how to bust balls and get chicks.

Best player on the bench – Steven Jackson (32.60 fantasy points) – 131 yards rushing/1 TD/9 catches/45 yards – Jackson has quietly amassed another solid fantasy season for the lowly Rams. Being a superstar on a terrible team must be tough. But then I think about the fact that the guy is a multimillionaire playing a game for a living and then I don’t feel so bad. Carlo escaped with a win with Jackson on the bench, but I’m guessing he’ll see some starts in the near future. Wanna know what we won’t see in the near future? Dinosaurs. Because their extinct. Or are they?

Worst play of the week – Pierre Thomas – (5.20 fantasy points) – 37 yards rushing/1 catch/5 yards – Having points on your bench that would’ve won the game is enough to drive any man insane. When those points were compiled by the thus-far useless LaDainian Tomlinson, its even worse. It’s like he’s mocking me. Sit me and I will score 2 TD’s, play me and I will go out in the first quarter with a sprained ankle. Pierre Thomas led me down this dark path and I will never forget that. The match up against the Rams seemed like something he could handle, but then again I’ve been wrong about stuff before. Like the mullet. After seeing Jared Allen profess his love for the oft-mocked ‘do I’ve reversed field and now embrace those who prefer business and pleasure, all wrapped up in a haircut.

Beer – Corona – There’s nothing like spending 3 ½ hours at a roulette table in Pahrump, Nevada. Joined by two guys from Holland who didn’t speak a word of English and looked like this was their first time they were in a casino, I was in heaven. It only got better when the waitress came around. “Two Coronas please.” It’s like they learned just enough English to get drunk and gamble. Don’t let anyone tell you the American Dream is dead, friends.

Extra Point – Get a Little Captain in You – Brent Celek scored a touchdown last week and celebrated like many football players do upon such a joyous occasion. The NFL was none too pleased with his choice of expression. Watching live, I exclaimed to my gal, “He’s got a little captain in him!” See, I know my booze and booze related commercials and Celek wasn’t getting anything past me. Unlike Carlo with a 2-liter of root beer, the NFL was not as excited to see the captain come out that day.

When you’re losing it feels like everything is going wrong. Just take it from the coaches from Necessary Roughness. It’s not you’re fault, it’s the defenses that were supposed to stop those bastards you’re playing against.

Coach Gennero: What happened, who missed their assignment?

Coach Rig: Everybody missed their god-damned assignment!