It happens every week, you can either love it or hate it but here again is guest blogger Chris Long with the Tuesday Tally, a roundup from around theLGL’s fantasy football league “Necessary Roughness”…
Do you like points? Like more than hamburgers? I’d say it’s a toss up for me, but if you’re in this for the points then this was quite a week for you. Eight of the ten teams in the league were over 100 points and 10 players cracked the 30-point mark. In other fun statistical news, I lost $100 in 10 minutes playing 3-card poker after being in Vegas for just over an hour. If you want to do well in that city I’d suggest starting off with something a little easier than $20 minimum 3-card poker. However, being the positive-Patricia that I am, I proceeded to split 3’s against a 10 in black jack and take down the dealer, winning $40 of my hard earned money back. But then again it wasn’t really my money; it was probably some degenerate gamblers’ who sold his kid’s bicycle on Craigslist to go for that elusive slots jackpot. Now I’m depressed. That never happens in Vegas. Maybe it’s time for that hamburger. Time to take in the week that was in the NFL…
Play of the Week – Donald Driver
Donald Driver got a little bored playing against the hapless Lions this week and decided to up the ante. It’s like that time Lebron James and I played one-on-one and he decided to dribble left handed and shoot with his eyes closed after spotting me a 9 point lead in a game to 10. Somehow I lost 10-7 but that’s beside the point. Driver turned a simple fly route down the left side into a circus show by reaching out with one hand and hauling in a bomb from Aaron Rodgers. As you can see in the clip he was not excited at all. The humble nature of NFL wide receivers will never cease to amaze me.
Player of the Week – Ray Rice (41.40 fantasy points) – 77 yards rushing/2 TD’s and 10 catches/117 yards – Even I was surprised to find out that Tom Brady wasn’t the top fantasy scorer of the week. Ray Rice did his best Marshall Faulk impression, doing his duties as a ball carrier while becoming the focal point of Baltimore’s passing attack. Against a tough Minnesota defense, Rice was able to make his presence felt, albeit in a crushing loss that ended with a missed field goal from 44 yards in the closing seconds. Somehow Ravens fans weren’t as disappointed as all those Favre haters out there who had to sit through another “Miracle Comeback” by the devil reincarnate wearing number 4.
Matchup of the Week – Sniz & Fondue vs. Da Bidness – One of the classic times when “I’m glad it’s you not me.” Mike and Leo were left to sweat out the Monday night game with Sniz & Fondue starting the night with Vincent Jackson going against Da Bidness and the duo of Knowshon Moreno and Philip Rivers. Vincent Jackson was left with the duty of protecting and adding to a 16-point lead and came through with 14.60 points of his own. Rivers and Moreno could only muster a combined 18.36 points and Da Bidness came up short by just over 11 points. Mike has gone from leading the league in waiver moves to leading the league period, turning into the Donald Trump of owners. You never know if you’re gonna be in the starting lineup or you’re fired
Top scoring team – The House Guests (154.98 fantasy points) I finally landed on the top of the pile this week and scored the most points. Ray Rice and Matt Schaub did most of the heavy lifting and my receiving core came to play, each scoring in double figures. I can’t even begin to gloat cause next week they could all do the exact opposite. Wish me good luck, I just know you all will.
Surprise Performer – Owen Daniels (26.80 fantasy points) – 7 catches/78 yards/2 TD’s – The scrappy young guy from the University of Wisconsin had himself quite a day on Sunday. Not sure how scrappy he is, but aren’t all Midwesterners described like that in some fashion? I was debating whether or not to go with “blue-collar,” “feisty,” or “gritty,” but “scrappy” won the day. Anywho… Daniels came up big against the surprising Bengals and helped Houston to a 3-3 record, keeping them in the running for a playoff spot in the AFC. He was also the runner-up for play of the week, but since we only include one video for play of the week I will give you a hint on how to find the video. Go to youtube.com and search “Owen Daniels catch.” You’re welcome.
Best player on the bench – Tom Brady (39.20 fantasy points) – 380 yards passing/6 TD’s – The best part about football is that the games are played no matter what the weather is like. Every other sport gets all up in arms when a drop of rain falls out of the sky. I think there’s an NFL game being played on the sun next week to promote solar power as a viable option of energy. Given their propensity to say fuck you to nature, the Pats and Titans suited up for a good ol’ fashioned snow game. Tom Brady brought both middle fingers in the form of 6 touchdowns, including 5 in one quarter to set an NFL record. If you think that’s impressive you should see me pee into the wind. I only get most of the pee on my shoes.
Worst play of the week – Jeremy Maclin – 1 catch/6 yards – Being in Vegas this weekend, there seemed to be one NFL game that was a sure lock. The Eagles were at home against the Raiders and favored by 14.5 points. People couldn’t get to the sports book fast enough to put all their money on the Eagles. And then they shit the bed. A stagnant offense and poor clock management contributed to the upset of the week as the Eagles lost to the Raiders in shocking fashion. Jeremy Maclin did his best David Copperfield impression, almost disappearing completely from the stat sheet. Coming off a monster week, he was only able to grab one measly pass for 6 yards, making his first appearance in the Tuesday Tally for all the wrong reasons. Maybe next time he’ll grow a pair and show up to my column with a few more catches.
Beer of the Week – Spanish Peaks Brewing Co. Honey Raspberry Ale – A weekend in Vegas will do weird things to a guy. Like make him think that walking around with a beer everywhere is acceptable. It’s not easy to let that one go when you get home. Make sure to assess your surroundings upon returning home from the sin city before you wander outside with a 40-ounce Mickey’s like it’s something that is normal in any setting. I received one warm Honey Raspberry Ale as a parting gift from my friend Parker and it took every ounce of strength and smarts I had not to pop it open in the street and start enjoying it. Instantly one of the coolest and strangest things that have ever been gifted to me. I challenge all of you to A. try and find this beer and B. give a warm one to a friend in the weirdest of circumstances possible. If you feel like sending me a post card from your adventure I promise to use my coolest magnet to attach it to my fridge.
Extra Point – Chuck Klosterman on Football – If you’ve never read anything by Chuck Klosterman you’re doing yourself a disservice. His 6th book “Eating the Dinosaur” is out this month and it includes a great essay about football that was posted on ESPN this week. All of his books are collections of essays that incorporate pop culture with his take on the world. If you’re looking for a good way to waste 20 minutes at work or you need an article to print out and read on the crapper, click on the link and prepare to learn a thing or two.
With 6 weeks in the books and multiple updates we’ve left out one glaring and hugely important piece of information, the league standings. If you’ve been an avid reader you might have an inkling as to who’s doing well and who isn’t, but we’ll clear the air and just give you a breakdown of who sits where so you can openly mock those of us who are sitting at the bottom of the pile for now. When the scores are added up tomorrow, The Dukes will have broken their 4 game winning streak, while Irie Feeling tastes defeat for the first time in 5 weeks. Luca Brasi’s Fish Co. is proof that an 0-3 start is not a death sentence as they move to 3-3 on the season and make the middle pack that much more congested. With 8 weeks remaining everyone still has a shot to make it into the top 6 and into the playoffs. Just enough time to get that steroid shipment in from Mexico and frame one of your opponents’ superstars.
The next time your in Vegas and you think you’ve had enough, just remember the words of Paul Blake:
Andre Krimm – “The next time I invite you out with the guys keep your white butt at home.”
Paul Blake – “But I thought you said you wanted to Paaar-tee!”